He said this is love, but I don’t think so

Penguin's story

Written by Annie, Published on December 14, 2020

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‘We cannot place the burden of reporting the threat to others posed by a suspected rapist solely upon his victims.’ Photograph: Getty Images

Twilight is spreading from the edge of the sky again. Inside a dark, cold and silent ward of the psychology department, Guangdong Second Provincial Central Hospital, Penguin is crying and shaking desperately at the corner of the room, with her mind trapped in terrible memories.

“Leave her alone, that poor girl.” Said a guard who passed by, shaking his head.

Penguin, 18, is suffering from severe depression and PTSD after being sexually harassed repeatedly by her ex-boyfriend since last December. She had even been cheated to lose her virginity before the crucial National College Entrance Examination (which schedule in early June each year) in May.

“It feels like I have to throw my soul out of my body in order to survive.” Penguin still felt stifling when recalls her memory under the attack state.

Do you think I am raping you?

“Do you think I am raping you?” asked the boy, who expressed his thoughts continuously for about five minutes in a phone call recorded after the first sexual intercourse with Penguin in March, which penguin recorded as evidence after feeling uncomfortable for the sex interactions.

Similar conversations happened at least four times, according to the recording files that Penguin provided to the reporter. It was heard that among all the recordings, the boy tried to express his ideas before asking Penguin for her thoughts.

“ It’s (the conversations) all in the same routine,” said Penguin, “but he always comforts me that he does is because loving me!”

Penguin was 17 when she fells into her first love, while her boyfriend—who was also 17 at the time—was an unpopular class monitor in her class.

“He loves to play some politically sensitive videos during the class break, which definitely couldn’t be accessed in mainland China,” said one of the classmates who unwilling to reveal her name. And she explained that the boy's "weird behaviours" had stopped classmates from interacting closely with him, however, the quiet and modest Penguin was attracted by such a guy.

Their dating had surprised many of the students, while Penguin also started to feel uncomfortable when her boyfriend kept raising requests of touching her body. Described the gradually surrenders to the boy as “losing my bottom line again and again”, Penguin was unable to stop her ex-boyfriend from putting his hand into her clothes touching her breast, and he even forced to guide her hand to touch his genitals on the playground while they were dating.

They broke up soon at the end of 2019, while the boy kept contacting Penguin, asking her to hang out with him.

According to Feng Caiqin, a psychiatry doctor from Guangdong Second Provincial Central Hospital who was also the psychiatrist of penguin, she had been blinded by the boy’s love words in the early days after they broke up. “I would say the boy has utilized and cheats over my patient to play on her susceptibility,” she said, “which making her believe that they have the possibility to be reconciled and even willing to sacrifice to act against her will.”

The words, the touching, the lies, all echo in Penguin's mind and destroying her slowly.

“Girls above 14 but under 18 are regarded as having understandings of their own behaviors to some extent,” said Yue Jihui, a psychiatry doctor from the Fifth Affiliated Hospital, Sun Yat-Sen University, Zhuhai, “yet it is questionable whether they could understand what they are undergoing and keep evidence when facing unpleasant sexual-interacts.”

Penguin can’t find any possible excuse but simply two words—sexual harassment—for all these offenses after broke up with the boy, yet she realized it after trapped in the nightmare for months.

“I didn’t aware of what I am facing, nor did I found out that I should keep evidence,” said Penguin.

Guangdong Experimental High School, the high school where Penguin and her ex-boyfriend studied, is one of the top high schools in China which famous for its quality-oriented education. Yet there are still no compulsory sex-education courses for students that could be enquired in the school’s course list.

Without a clear understanding of the possible sexual harassment within the campus, Penguin expressed her desperation towards her experience by attempts of suicide.

It is just a fig leaf

“We were all freaked out when founding her condition was not stable,” said one of her close friends who unwilling to reveal her name, “I remembered once that she ran out of the exam room on the sixth floor crying hardly…and I can’t imagine what if she jumped out from the teaching building!”

She reported to the police immediately in early May, hoping the case could be brought to court and Penguin could gain her justice.

However, Penguin encountered further harm while she dictated her experiences towards the police. "The polices that in charge of my case was all-male, they looked at me with dreadful attitudes as if I am the criminal," said Penguin on the phone, who felt extremely disguising while she was asked to recall all the details facing sexual harassment in front of the male polices. According to her, the local police station was totally inexperienced in handling sexual crime cases.

"My PTSD almost attacked me under their obscene gaze, and I just want to run away."

Lack of evidence is also fatal. There are no clear regulations protecting students from sexual harassment shown on Guangdong Experimental High School’s website, which blocking Penguin to ask for help shortly after she was feeling unwell towards the boy's behaviors. Even though the teachers and supporting staff are working actively in helping Penguin to obtain necessary evidence, the case was still regarded as not adequate to be brought to the court according to the police.

Penguin surrendered in desperation.

On October 19, 2020, she signed a Settle Agreement with her ex-boyfriend’s uncle with shaking hands—the somatization symptom of a depression attack. Though the agreement was revised three times by the legal aid lawyer from Guangdong Women’s Right and Information Service Center (Guangzhou) and herself, the contents written in the agreement are seemed remoted from the truth by Penguin.

The agreement, which called all the boy’s wrongdoings as the clashes of personality between us, and named the 30,000 yuan compensation as “break-up fee”, was signed under Penguin’s PTSD attack condition.

“His uncle kept coaxing me that signing this agreement is good for both sides,” Penguin recalled wrathfully, “but the agreement doesn't fit the facts at all!”

Zhou Junhong, a criminal lawyer from Shenzhen who has dealt with several sexual harassment cases, explained the force of law that Penguin has signed, “The agreement she signed belongs to the settlement outside the court. And it is effective unless there some significant problems like the condition of one side was unstable, or the details of the case have the possibility to establish a criminal offense.”

As there is no record of punishment for sexual harassment in the boy’s archives, Penguin’s ex-boyfriend was able to be admitted into UIC following the normal procedure after the High School Entrance Exam.

Not the only victim

Penguin’s experience doesn’t unique to the Chinese campus. According to the review of the available cases in the past three years by the reporter, though sexual harassment cases on victims aged between 14 and 18 are not frequently seen in the public reporting, there are a number of cases been documented.

Over the 701 sex abuse cases of underage victims are available in the court database, yet only 132 cases’ victim was at the age group between 14 and 18, only account for less than 20% of the overall reported cases.

On the detailed analysis of these 132 cases, there are only 7 cases that took place within the campus or educational institutions, while 12 of the perpetrator were also underage. There is merely 1% of reported sex abuse cases at a similar stage with Penguin.

However, in the year between 2013 and 2016, the cases that perpetrators also aged between 14 and 18 is accounted for 9% and about 7% of cases happened between acquaintances in the general sexual harassment cases statistic published by the Supreme People's Court.

Underage sexual harassment between schoolmates is so rarely been brought to the court that staying out from the social focus.

And for the lawyers, the lack of experience dealing with cases for victims in such age group also adding difficulties for victims to find proper legal resources. “As a lawyer, I could only read the evidence that submits to the court as the forensic process is not done by us. There is little we can do when facing inadequate evidence,” Zhou Junhong, a criminal lawyer from Shenzhen who has dealt with several sexual harassment cases, said helplessness.

“Journalists could hardly covering this kind of cases, as there are too many reversals; and for the reaching of justice, the victim has to stand out to grab the public’s attention or collect all the evidence by herself, which is almost impossible for an underage girl,” Hai Yang explained why he and other journalists unwilling to cover similar cases.

For those in their adulthood or children under 14, however, the found of guilty on sexual harassment is rather easy to establish; as adult victims have the awareness of keeping evidence when facing sexual harassment and any genital contacts with girls under 14 are identified as rape under Chinese law.

Any struggle spells for social death

September 19, the date when Penguin posted a long WeChat moment sharing her experience confronting unpleasant sexual contact, starts all her struggles and sufferings as she described as “social death”.

The WeChat moment that Penguin posted to expose her experience

“I have been pointed on my nose by my parents, shouting desperately over me that why I became a giglet,” Penguin recalls the messy dates in her family after she stood out revealing the sexual harassment she faces, which is the first time that her conservative parents learned their daughter's experience.

Pressure from peers also making her feel breathless. “The whole class has questioned if it is Penguin’s fault leading to her sufferings, and we even bullying on her for she dating with that boy,” said Xu Chenin, a classmate with Penguin, “How silly are we when I look back.”

Penguin’s WeChat moment also obtained great attention in UIC, the college where the boy has been admitted to. The indignant students have dug out and spread the private information that they found about Penguin's ex-boyfriend, including his major, his dorm or even some unconfirmed rumors of him sexually harassed other students.

Strict school regulations also could be read among sexual harassment cases under the joint-venture universities’ system.

Prof. Guo Haipeng, the head of the Whole Person Education Office which specifically in charge of sex education, explained how a sexual harassment case will be processed in UIC.

“When a student felt she has experienced sexual harassment on the campus, she could go to whoever teaching staff that she trusts to share the details and that staff will report to SAO immediately,” Guo said, emphasizing that the school departments will collect all necessary evidence to submit to the Student Disciplinary Committee (SDC) for hearing if the respondent is a student.

However, the process Guo mentioned was adopted from the Procedures of Handling Sexual Harassment Complaint, which a special committee for Sexual Harassment Complaints (CSHC) has been established in handling the sexual harassment complaints against staff members. There is no policy or procedure that could be queried upon cases among students on the school website.

“Indeed there is no regulation dealing with students who have been accused of sexual harassment by his classmates so far,” Guo admitted, “ it might be discussed separately by SDC.”

“There are shadows under the sunlight,” said Prof Mao Yaqing, Vice President of UIC, in the sex education activity on Dec.02, 2020, “but we still want to arouse students’ awareness of preventing it from happen rather than spending serval times’ efforts after the sexual harassment already took place.”

“I have already asked for leave from courses for a few weeks,” said the boy in a phone call with Penguin on Dec.2, he questioned why Penguin brought her experience to the public by showing some chat records while they are dating.

“He said I told him that I am willing to hand my virginity to him when we are in infatuation, but that doesn’t represent I agree him to touch me again after we broke up!” said Penguin, slashed her wrist in a severe PTSD attack.

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Penguin has returned to the campus studying applied psychology after two weeks of psychiatrist treatment. Though still not fully recovered from her sufferings, she is expressing ardent passion towards her college major.

“If I could surmount my pains, I could help more girls in similar positions.” She said.

*“Penguin” is a pseudonym under the interviewee’s request.

*Deng Bowen, Wei Zhihao, Zhong Peilin, Zeng Xuanyi, Wei Xiaojing also contributed to the investigation of this report.